Young, Gay and Body Unconfident
Struggling with body image in the gay community: Experience and advice on dealing with the pressures of the gay beauty standard
While body image issues are not exclusive to the gay/LGBTQ+ community, It has been proven that we are disproportionally affected. According to a survey commissioned by the Mental Health Foundation, 53% of adults identifying as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and other have experienced anxiety about their body image. 56% of this group felt depressed about their body image, compared to 33% heterosexual participants.
So why is body image such an issue amoung gay men? Here is my experience:
Social media
When I was first exploring my sexuality, social media was a great way to connect and discover others in the community. Feeling like the only gay person in my small town turned into a network of possibilities. However, I gradually started to follow more and more gay influencers based on their looks, desperately wanting the bodies that they seemed so confident in. I had unknowingly created a feed to fuel my insecurities, highlighting the ‘ideal’ gay beauty standard which consists of being slim, muscular and hairless. All of which… I was not.
As gay men, I feel that there is an expectation that we suppress the feminine aspects of ourselves to be considered more attractive. Not only is this stereotype harmful but it’s also untrue. You are never going to be everyone’s type but that doesn’t mean that femininity is an unattractive trait to have. I think this pressure to conform to the ideal beauty standards is heightened by the fact that there are fewer gay men and therefore fewer options for connection.
The validation of social media can also become addictive to a point where you are posting a version of yourself that is most ‘ideal’ rather than the version that is most authentic. When you are constantly cropping and filtering your photos, you subconsciously tell yourself what you think is wrong and what you think other people wouldn’t like about your appearance or personality. Especially when you are still figuring out who you are, it can really affect your self-worth and confidence.
Dating apps
I had always thought that dating apps would be exactly what I needed to connect with other gay guys and find a boyfriend. Dating apps ended up being extremely damaging to my mental health at times. I would let the number of matches I got affect how I felt about myself and my body and I was no closer to finding a boyfriend years after first downloading the app. What I didn’t realise at that stage was that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and not being in a relationship was not a negative reflection of who I was. I had and still have a lot of work to do but at 21, I was in a much healthier place with my body and mental health to be in my first relationship.
Grindr
I found hookup apps like Grindr to be the most damaging to my body image. Because most people are looking to hookup, it is less about who you are and more about what you look like. Profiles are often anonymous with no picture or only a torso. The anonymous nature of the app allows users to be direct and sometimes brutal about what they are looking for in private messages. I have been blocked purely because I don’t have a flat stomach many times. I completely understand that we all have a type but the way that some people use the app feels a little emotionless and harsh. These interactions reinforced my biggest insecurity and would really play on my mind.
Casual sex is so normalised in the gay community as fun for everyone. It can be confusing when it is not something you enjoy, especially if you are a sexual person. It took me a while to realise that casual sex was not working for me or my mental health. Focusing on building romantic connections was really what I was looking for. From talking to other gay men, I have found that Grindr seems to be deleted and re-downloaded. The fear of missing out can keep us on the app. Even though it may not be what is best for us at that moment. This is not to say that you can’t have good experiences on Grindr. I have met some great people through the app but there is definitely a negative side that stops me from re-downloading.
Categories and discrimination
Looks are so much a part of the gay community that we have made categories for different body types. Twinks are young, hairless, slim guys. Bears are older, hairy, muscly or larger men and there are many categories in between. These types help gay men to describe who they are into and are even options that you can select on Grindr.
body shaming, racism and internalised homophobia
When I first came out, gay spaces felt like an overwhelming sense of freedom and love in contrast to hiding my sexuality for many years. This novelty began to wear off after a while and I started to notice
Tips
Your body is only one aspect of your identity – Our bodies only make up a small part of who we are, in fact, it’s probably the least interesting part about you.
Talk to yourself how you would talk about someone else – You wouldn’t talk about someone else’s body so negatively so why are you talking about yours in that way?
Clean your feed – Following like-minded people on social media can be great but if you notice any accounts affecting your body image, think about unfollowing or muting them. Being aware of your triggers important in protecting your mental health.
Time to ditch the dating apps? – If interactions on dating apps are causing you to feel negatively about your body or yourself, think about deleting them. Your mental health is more important that the possibility of connection and relationships.
Is casual sex for you? – Think about whether casual sex is having a negative impact on your body image and if you’d prefer to make an emotional connection first.
Build your LGBTQ+ friendship network – Gay friendships can be a huge support if you are struggling with body image. They most likely know what you are going through and act of support outside of romantic or sexual partners. Having issues with body image is super common, especially in the gay community. Be kind to yourself and know that things will get better.
Other support
- YoungMinds – Body image guide
- Hellvetika – Hot Gays, Body Image, & Comparison: Advice for baby gays
- GQ – Why Body Image Issues Pervade the Gay Community
- BBC 3 – How being a gay man can make your body issues worse
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