Alcohol and sexual consent

Robyn Bell consent, healthy relationships, sexual intimacy

What’s the deal with alcohol and sexual consent? Can I have sex after drinking?

Alcohol often shakes us free of our anxieties, especially when it comes to ‘making a move’ and wanting something beyond friendship. A few shots of confidence and we’re feeling ready. So it’s not that surprising that many sexual situations involve alcohol. But what does that mean for sexual consent?

This is where it can get a bit tricky. Legally, sexual consent means that a person freely agrees to sexual activity, with both the capacity and choice. Basically: someone needs to have the ability to make a choice.

Alcohol and drugs can take away that ability to make a choice because they take away our understanding of a situation. They make us more likely to take risks, of all sorts. Unfortunately, there’s no magic number of drinks that keeps sex consensual. Everyone has varying tolerances of alcohol, and it affects us all differently.

Jump straight to our Getting help section below if you want to access support around any experiences of sexual violence and unwanted sexual behaviour.

So, how do I know when someone is too drunk to consent to sex?

Here are some definite signs that someone doesn’t have the capacity to consent to sexual activity:

⛔ lack of bodily control

⛔ slurred speech

⛔ confusion

⛔ unconsciousness

⛔ having blackouts

But, everyone has varying tolerances of alcohol and it affects us all differently. Someone may appear fine whilst the drink is still affecting their decision-making. It’s also very important to remember that just because someone initiates sex, it doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily thinking straight.

So, even if they make it clear they want to have sex with me, I can’t just take that as consent?

Alcohol affects our decisions so, no, it’s not that simple. The law is clear that if someone’s ability to consent is affected by alcohol or drugs, they can’t give sexual consent.

But, more than the legal side of it, sex is about pleasure and enjoyment for everyone involved, which is down to communication. Alcohol affects our communication skills: how we read other people, how we express ourselves, how we say yes or no, how we give and withdraw consent. So, how can we consent when our communication skills are down?

So, basically, I can’t have sex at all if either of us have been drinking?

It isn’t that clear cut! Basically, it’s about being aware of how alcohol affects you and others. It changes our abilities to communicate and read each other’s body language – generally for the worse. If you think you might be too drunk to pick up on someone’s signals, then it’s best to pause. It’s okay to say that you feel too drunk and need to sober up first. Or suggest they sober up.

Remember: anyone can withdraw consent at any point. People can say no at any time, even if you are mid-fumbling. Especially if you’re mid-fumbling. If someone asks you to stop, then stop immediately. More than that, if someone seems unsure, reluctant or silent, then stop and check if they’re okay.

It was going so well, but now…?

People’s behaviour can change very quickly when under the influence of alcohol. We can go from seemingly hyper-alert and in full control, to unconscious or confused. Look out for these changes. They’re very normal after drinking alcohol.

If someone you’re with starts to fade out of consciousness or lose bodily control, slur their speech or seem confused, then stop straight away. It’s okay to explain that you’ve stopped because you feel they’re too drunk and you’re not sure sex is what they want. It’s crucial to make sure they are back to themselves and sober before you/they initiate sex again.

This feels too complicated?!

It’s understandable to feel frustrated at sexual consent and alcohol not having clear-cut rules. But actually this ‘complication’ taps into an incredibly important point: getting consent is the bare minimum of what we should be doing. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship with this person, or it’s a more casual hook-up, you should be trying your best to make the other person feel as comfortable as possible, and aiming to give them the best time you can (though, that doesn’t mean doing things you don’t want to do!). We can do this by:

👍 Giving them the opportunity to say ‘no’

👍 Taking the time to understand their body language

👍 Checking in to make sure they’re enjoying themselves: “how’s this?” or “does this feel okay?”

👍 Listening to them: there are lots of ways we communicate ‘no’ or ‘stop’ indirectly

The more thought that goes into communication, building trust and considering each other’s feelings, the better the sex will be, and the more fun you’ll have together. Ultimately, alcohol and sexual consent is all about the ability to communicate!

Getting help

If you’ve experienced any unwanted sexual behaviour or any kind of sexual violence, there are places you can go for help and support. You don’t have to manage this alone. There are specially trained professionals, who want to help, and you can disclose as much or as little as you feel comfortable.