Anal sex

Fumble Editorial consent, LGBTQ+ relationships, pleasure, sexual intimacy

If you’re curious about exploring anal sex, but aren’t sure where to start, we have some tips on how to have a pleasurable, comfortable and safe time

What is anal sex?

Anal sex is any sexual activity that involves the anus. It can involve rimming (licking the anus), fingering, massaging, sex toys and penis penetration. Many people, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender, can enjoy anal sex. Men, trans women and some non-binary people have a prostrate, which is between the bladder and penis, just in front of the rectum. When this is stimulated, it can be pleasurable. For women, trans men and some non-binary people, the perineal sponge between the anus and vagina is a sensitive area, which may also feel pleasurable when stimulated during anal sex. So basically, anal sex can feel good for anyone.

Do I want anal sex?

You may be curious to try anal, but rushing into it can lead to a bad experience. At the same time, you should never feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to try it, then don’t. If you and a partner want to have a go, then crack on. And remember – you can stop at any time.

How do I talk to my partner about anal sex?

If you want to try anal sex with a partner, it’s important to have a conversation about it BEFORE jumping straight into bed together. Before having any type of sex, you should always make sure everyone involved is into it. Never pressure anyone into trying anal sex, and don’t try it if you’re not into it. Get the consent of anyone involved, and remember consent is an ongoing process. You can change your mind at any time.

Will anal be messy?

Anal will probably be a little messy, and that’s totally normal. Try putting a towel or old sheet down that you can easily pop in the wash after. Make sure you go to the toilet before and you can even take a shower too if you want to. At Fumble we often get asked: will I poo on my partner’s penis? Probably not. Once the penis, sex toy or finger gets past the anus, you enter the rectum. The rectum stores feces when you’re about to poo. As long as you’ve recently pooped and don’t have health issues that may make pooping unpredictable, you’re unlikely to poo on your partner. There may be a little mess (like a bit of poo on the penis, sex toy or finger), so be prepared. But don’t panic, you can just wash it off with soap and water.

What about douching?

Anal douching is when someone ‘flushes’ out their rectum with water, to clean themself before sex. It’s completely up to you whether you do this or not – douching is not a ‘must’ before anal sex.

Note: vaginal douching is when someone ‘flushes’ their vagina out with water. This is not recommended at all because the vagina is self-cleaning. Douching can damage the vaginal pH balance, which leads to infections and irritations.

Some safety tips, if you do want to anally douche:

🌡️ Use body temperature water with no soap/cleaning products. Using products will irritate the rectum lining.

📅 Douche in moderation (once or twice a week). Douching too frequently can increase the risk of infection.

💦 A small bulb douche makes it easy to control the amount of water.

⏱️ Douche at least an hour before having sex, just in case you need to go to the toilet several times to empty all of the water inside you.

Should I use lube?

Yes! The anus is not self-lubricating, so make sure you use plenty of lube. The lube will make it more comfortable and pleasurable for everyone. The more lube the merrier, for any kind of anal play.

If you’re using a condom (which we recommend to prevent the spread of STIs), use a thick, water-based lube. Silicone lubes and oil-based lubes last longer than water-based lubes, but aren’t always safe to use with condoms, so look it up before you use them. Also, avoid desensitising lube. You could lose sensation to the point that you don’t notice your anus tearing.

Where should I start?

If you’re nervous about your first time trying anal sex, it might be a good idea to try it on your own to see if you like it. This involves using a finger or a sex toy and plenty of lube, inserting it slowly into your anus. You can experiment with what you like and take it at your own pace.

If you’re now ready (and want) to get down with your partner, remember to take it slow. The area around the anus is extremely sensitive, so start externally. Rimming (licking) and massaging will relax the anus, which will prevent pain. Don’t believe the rumours — pain is not an inevitable part of anal sex. Start small — the aim is to introduce your anus to the idea of having something penetrate it. To seduce your anus, if you will. Fingers (with short, clean fingernails!) and small sex toys are ideal. Again, the anus is not self-lubricating, so use plenty of lube.

If you’re going to use sex toys, only use ones that have been designed to go up there. Look for sex toys with a flared base – this will stop the toy disappearing and getting stuck. If something does get stuck, go to A&E immediately. Doctors have (sadly!) seen this a lot, so it’s important to swallow any embarrassment (doctors don’t care!) and get urgent medical help.

The LGBT Foundation has a great anal sex guide with even more guidance (whether you’re LGBTQ+ or not):

Sex Guides: Anal Sex by the LGBT Foundation

What about rimming and condoms?

Infections can be passed on by oral to anal sex, including STIs but also Hepatitis A and Salmonella. It’s a good idea to use a dental dam to protect yourself from infections. This, like condoms, is another ‘barrier method’ of contraception. Dental dams are squares of latex or polyuerthane, which you can use to cover the anus (or vulva). Make sure never to reuse a dental dam, and always change them between parts of the body and partners. You can also make a dental dam from condoms!

What’s pegging?

Pegging originally meant the sexual act of a cis woman wearing a harness and dildo to anally penetrate her cis male partner.

Note: ‘cisgender’ (or cis) refers to people whose gender identity matches the one they were assigned at birth. For example, a cis man is someone who was born with a penis and testicles, was assigned male at birth, and identifies as a man too. Cis is the opposite of trans.

The word can be used in a much more gender-fluid way now, broadly to mean someone of any gender wearing a harness and dildo to anally penetrate their partner. But some people still don’t like using the term pegging, and instead describe it as anal sex with a strap-on — another great way to have sex!

So, what if you want to try pegging? Again, start slow, use plenty of lube, and stop if anything feels uncomfortable or painful. Rose Stokes and Ruby Rare discuss pegging in far more detail in an article, and Hannah Witton also has a great video on pegging.

Hannah Witton: Pegging: Why do people like it?

Can I incorporate other stimulation?

YES! Just because you’re trying anal play, doesn’t mean other stimulation is off limits. For example, you can add in some clit stimulation if you or your partner has a clit. However, hygiene is key here as transferring bacteria from the anus to the vagina can cause UTIs. If you’re also having vaginal sex, remember to wash your hands if you have touched the anus before touching any other genitals, and change the condom if you’re moving on to a different type of penetration.

Regardless of body parts, you can touch yourself or your partner can touch you, depending on your comfort and position. It can be great to experiment with other parts of your body at the same time as anal play, but if it feels too much, stop immediately.

How do I make it more adventurous?

You could move onto bigger things. Totally optional, and not to be rushed. You may want to stick to using small toys and/or fingers to start with. But if you do move on to either a penis or bigger toy, remember to take it slow and stay well lubed. It might take a while to find the best position. If you’re being penetrated, you could lie on your stomach, go on all fours (doggy), or try missionary (lie on your back). Remember to communicate with your partner throughout anal play to ensure you’re both enjoying it and want to continue. If you’re doing the penetrating, don’t rush in and start pounding away.

DO NOT copy anal sex in porn — this is not a realistic expectation of how most people have anal sex or enjoy it.

What should I do if anal sex hurts?

If it starts to hurt or feels bad or weird, stop. Having anal sex for the first time may feel very different to other kinds of sex. Some people say having anal sex makes them feel like they’re about to poo (don’t worry, you probably won’t). But if you don’t like the feeling, you don’t have to do it. If it’s painful, this is usually caused by little tears in the tissue by the anus. These heal quickly but are uncomfortable, so give yourself a break from anal for a while if this happens. To prevent anal tears, use lots of lube and start with small objects, such as a finger.

Have fun!

Anal sex shouldn’t be a marathon — don’t persevere because you think it’s something you need to do. Anal sex, like all sex, should be pleasurable. If it’s not, remember that you can stop at any point. Otherwise, have fun!