Blog: I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m still getting used to it

Corrie Clapsaddle bisexuality and pansexuality, coming out

“There is no right way to be queer. It’s a personal experience, not an exact science.”

In this personal blog, Corrie Clapsaddle writes about navigating her queer identity.

I’m six years old

And I know I like to kiss girls. They have soft lips, pretty eyes, and hair that smells like strawberries. I never thought there was anything wrong with kissing girls until I was told so by the first girl I ever locked lips with. I don’t blame her for quickly believing what her conservative parents told her, but her sudden rejection still made me feel like sh*t. She said what we had been doing was wrong. I just thought we were having fun It wasn’t like I had a master plan to damn us both to hell.

I’m seven years old

And I know that Michael is the cutest boy in my first grade class. And maybe the entire world. He has a big smile, blonde hair, and a general kindness the other little boys lack. If my Disney VHS tapes taught me anything, the fluttering I get in my stomach whenever I see him means we’re getting married. I try to sit next to him every day and answer as many of the teacher’s questions as I can. Does he like smart girls? He’s the childhood crush I can talk about with my family and only have them gently tease me for it.

I recently turned 22

And I know I’m not straight because saying so would feel like a lie. I do have a heterosexual cisgender boyfriend, but my love and attraction towards women has never disappeared. It was put on the back burner because I was told through a variety of cultural messages that it was only okay to be heterosexual. But I’m past that.

At first I decided, “Okay, this must mean I’m bisexual because I like both men and women.” Seemed easy enough for me. I went to Pride 2016 to display my bi-pride. Then several months ago my boyfriend brought up that maybe I was pansexual. I am attracted to androgyny and I don’t care about a person’s packaging, I care about what’s inside. I wouldn’t think of limiting my romantic or sexual attraction to other genders, gender nonconforming individuals, or transgender people if I felt a connection with them, so did I have to adopt a new identity? Now I’m in unfamiliar territory.

Okay I’m going to throw you some definitions now. Read them a few times if you need to. Please by no means assume I am an expert on all things LGBTQIA+, because I’m not. I’ve only recently openly joined the rainbow community and I’m still learning. We all are.

Bisexual

It means that someone is attracted (romantically and/or sexually) to more than one gender. Historically bisexual has meant someone is attracted to men and women. But now we know there are many gender identities, and bisexuality can include much more than just men and women.

Pansexual

“It means that a person can be attracted to other people, regardless of their gender. Pansexuality means being emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to another person of any gender. Anyone can be pansexual; it doesn’t matter what their individual gender identity is either. So, a cisgender man who is pansexual may be attracted to women, transgender men, non-binary individuals, men, and people of all different gender identities.”

I had been describing myself as bisexual for a while because it was the term I had heard before. Technically I did fall into the pansexual category and just didn’t really think about it. But, even though I know that now, I still don’t immediately use pansexual as my dominant identity. I flip flop between using bisexual and pansexual to describe myself, often based on how comfortable I am in a given situation. When I’m around friends, I use pansexual or queer because that’s what feels right at the time. When I’m talking in somewhat unfamiliar company, I’ll revert to using just bisexual because that’s probably the term people are more familiar with.

So, what now?

Recently I’ve been describing myself as queer because it can be used as an umbrella term for multiple sexualities. And it works well for those days where I don’t know what I am, but straight ain’t it. And that confusion is completely okay! Labels are tricky and can be harmful or limiting, but they can also help people discover their identity and feel more secure in their sense of self. There is no right way to be queer. It’s a personal experience, not an exact science. Everyone is going to feel a different way and that’s wonderful! I actually think that’s kind of the point.