Blog: Questioning my sexuality – A queer coming of age story

Morven Loh bisexuality and pansexuality, coming out, LGBTQ+ relationships

This Fumble contributor shares her queer coming-of-age story and the journey she took whilst questioning her sexuality

Recently, I told my friends I am pansexual. I was really lucky. It didn’t involve a big conversation, and nothing has changed since. I had spent so long thinking about how my friends would react to me telling them, that I didn’t really think about what coming out meant for me, in a practical sense… a dating sense… a sexual sense… Despite coming out to my friends, I had only just begun the questioning of my sexuality.

I’ll clarify a few things first. I’m 23, I’m a cisgender woman, and up until this point I have only ever been romantically or sexually involved with men. I’ve had serious relationships, casual relationships, meaningful and meaningless one night stands, but these have only ever been with men.

Discovering my sexuality

I had never thought about my sexuality before this point. Being in a heterosexual relationship of any type usually means society doesn’t push you to question it.

So, I carried on, relationship after relationship, man to man, not thinking too much about the fact that I would look, for slightly too long, at gorgeous women in films, at work and in life. I wouldn’t think too much about how my mind would drift when I was in the shower, just wondering what it would be like to be with a woman.

Because I’m also attracted to men, I let that take a dominant space in my head and pushed everything else out.

Then, a serious relationship I was in ended. I was heartbroken and started questioning everything, including, for the first time, my sexuality. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that this was nothing new. I wasn’t having a stark revelation. This was the point where I told my friends, whilst I was still working it out. I thought after I told them, once it was out in the open, that would be that. I would no longer be confused, and things would feel straightforward. But I was wrong.

Now I’d come out… what next?

Well, I’m still figuring this out. Is there a right way to be queer? Is there a right way to act around other queer people? How do I talk to others? Will they look at me? What happens when I take someone home? Am I ready to take someone home? Will they judge me for taking this long to come out? Can I be open about the fact I’ve only been with cis-men previously?

And so, the endless questioning carries on. I know, deep down, that none of this matters and I shouldn’t be judged on my sexuality at all. I know I wouldn’t be questioning a lot of these things if I wasn’t queer. But, we live in a heteronormative world, and unfortunately, society has conditioned me into thinking this way.

When it’s the right person, it will be okay. The first time I take someone home, I’ll make sure I’m comfortable and be totally open. I just have to give myself time.

I feel like I’m a teenager again and, whilst it’s terrifying, it’s also kind of exciting. Despite the confusion, despite everything else, for the first time in my life, I feel like myself. I feel like this massive load I’ve been carrying has been lifted. There is no rush, I won’t push anything. When something happens, it will happen. I’m not in a race, this is my own journey, and I’ll take it baby step by baby step.