Blog: Getting to grips with butt stuff when you’re a straight man

In this personal blog, one Fumble writer explores his interest with a particular kind of sex, and offers practical advice on how to try it safely

I started playing around with my back door when I was in my mid-teens, having already mastered the more ‘basic’ masturbation technique. It was never something I questioned – when I got older I became aware of the classic, misguided consensus that being into anal in any way was a ‘gay’ thing, but I never made that connection. My thought process was teenage-boy basic: no more complicated than ‘what’s this like’, and then, ‘okay. It’s pretty cool!’  

I then explored being penetrated with an ex-girlfriend, after being together for over four years. We were going through an ‘experimental’ phase, and I was the one who broached trying butt stuff. She said yes, but on the condition she could also have a go at being on top – I’ve always been firmly of the opinion that if you ask to do something to someone, you should be prepared to take it as well, so fair was fair!

You gain a much better appreciation for giving anal if you have received it – because you do have to be more careful and cautious when it comes to this kind of fun. Remember that (whatever you’ve seen online) this is not a hole that was built with penetration in mind, and if you want to explore it by yourself, or with a partner, it’s a good idea to take the following steps:  

1. Make sure anything you put inside yourself is clean and doesn’t have any sharp edges – we’re talking fingernails, and cheap sex toys that haven’t been finished correctly.
   
   
2. Use as much lube as you think is sensible, and then apply that much again. You can technically use too much lube, but too much will do a lot less damage than too little.
   
   
3. If you’re using a dildo make sure it has a flared base, because getting something lost inside you is a thing, and makes for the most awkward hospital trip ever.
   
   
4. In terms of practical tips for exploring anal – giving or receiving – everything comes down to foreplay and talking to each other. I can’t over-emphasise the importance of good communication. Some people just try to slip a cheeky finger in and see how their partner reacts, but that’s not a smart move. If you aren’t able to communicate you shouldn’t really be inserting things into each others’ rectums.
   
   
5. As with any kind of sex, butt stuff demands gentle careful exploration, so work up to it slowly and make sure have lube, condoms, and everything else you might need to hand. Yes it kills the spontaneity somewhat – but at least then everyone knows exactly where they’re heading!
   
   
6. You can be tactile about exploring each others’ boundaries, so you don’t necessarily have to have a sit-down conversation about ‘should we try it up the bum tonight’. But if you’re not having those conversations you need to be able to read your partner’s body like a book, and be ready to back off as soon as they get uncomfortable.
   
   
7. Never try any of the above without first getting enthusiastic consent. Regardless of whether you’re topping or tailing, you have to read the signs your partner is giving you when you’re experimenting with butt stuff, and be careful – because you can do each other damage, the risk of contracting STIs is higher, and it can be painful. The minute someone tells you something is too much, then back off straight away. And with that, a PSA for all the men who want to try anal with a girlfriend – remember that if you’re broaching it and she hasn’t ever mentioned wanting to try it, be prepared to hear ‘I’m not into this,’ and respect it. If there’s a boundary someone doesn’t want to cross, then persisting in pushing the idea and trying to wear them down is not an acceptable course of action.

Done well, anal can be fun and pleasurable for people of both genders, but it’s not for everyone – so be smart if you’re planning to indulge.

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Anal sex

Last reviewed 10 March 2022

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