What can I do if sex is painful?

Emily Burt consent, pleasure, sexual health

Sex should never cause you pain or discomfort. Here are some things you can try if sex is hurting

Sex can be a toe-curling, hair-raising, weird-sound-making, exploding glitterball of an experience. But that’s not always the case and if you’re not enjoying sex, it’s not a feeling you should ignore.

While it may seem you’re the only person not getting their rocks off with every bump and grind, discomfort or pain during sex can be surprisingly common. Unfortunately, many women and people with a vulva experience pain during penetrative vaginal sex. There are lots of reasons why this might be happening, which include:

❗️Lack of sexual arousal, which may mean the vaginal muscles are tighter and/or there’s no self-lubricant

❗️Infections (like thrush) or sexually transmitted infections (like chlamydia, gonorrhoea, or herpes)

❗️Vaginismus: a condition where muscles in or around the vagina shut tight, making sex painful or impossible (ouch)

❗️Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID): usually caused by a bacterial infection that has spread up from your vagina or cervix to your reproductive organs.

Lots of people also experience pain during anal sex, especially if they’re not using lube. The anus isn’t self-lubricating, so lube is necessary! If anal sex ever starts to hurt or feel bad, stop. If it’s painful, this is usually caused by little tears in the tissue by the anus. These heal quickly but are uncomfortable, so give yourself a break from anal sex for a while if this happens. To prevent anal tears, use lots of lube and start with small objects, such as a finger.

Talk to your partner

You’ve probably heard about consent a lot, especially when it comes to having sex. Pleasure and enjoyment is such a big part of why we do/don’t consent to sex: why would we consent to painful sex that we’re not enjoying?

The person you are having sex with should be wanting you to have a fantastic time, and they should want to know if you’re in pain. If you feel like this is not something they care about, this is not a healthy or safe relationship to be in. But assuming they’re a good person who just hasn’t realised you’re not finding sex enjoyable, it’s important to let them know when it hurts. Learning to talk to each other about what feels good (and what doesn’t) is a key part of having great sex, and a trusting relationship.

We know that it can feel hard to say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ to someone, or that sex is hurting, especially if you have feelings for them. We also know that sometimes the pressure can feel like it’s coming from ourselves. There might be an inner voice (usually coming from societal norms) that says it’s normal for sex to be painful sometimes, and to just ‘power through’. Sex shouldn’t be painful. The pain is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. If you’re struggling with feeling pressure, reach out for support. You don’t have to manage this alone.

Add lube

Sex is, broadly, more enjoyable when it doesn’t feel as though your insides are being sandpapered. Lube is the answer! It’s absolutely essential for anal sex, but it’s also brilliant for vaginal sex too. Fun fact: the wetness of your vagina is not directly proportional to how turned on you are feeling, and it’s therefore not ‘cheating’ to help yourself out with lube.

Just remember to never combine oil-based lubes with latex condoms, because they can make them tear.

Mix things up

Sex is so much more than penetration! Alongside, or instead of, penetration, you can explore other kinds of sexy fun, such as oral sex or different kinds of sexual intimacy (sometimes called ‘outercourse’) like touching, kissing and mutual masturbation.

Most women and people with a vagina can’t orgasm from penetrative vaginal sex, and instead reach climax through clitoral stimulation. So mixing it up generally makes sex more fun and pleasurable, even if penetration isn’t painful.

Practice on yourself

It’s easier to share with a partner how they can make you feel good if you understand what brings you pleasure. So why not take some time to explore that by yourself? Masturbation is a completely normal part of human sexuality. And it can be a great way to learn more about what your body likes, at your own pace. It’s also how a lot of people end up having their first orgasm.

Chat to a professional

If you are experiencing ongoing emotional problems and anxiety around having sex, then it might be worth visiting a GUM clinic, having a chat with your GP, or talking to a counsellor about how you are feeling. There’s lots of places to go for support.

Remember that pain during or after sex is your body trying to tell you that something is wrong, so don’t ignore it. If you find talking about it embarrassing, try to remember that doctors/nurses and other professionals providing support are very used to dealing with problems like this, it’s normal for them! They will be able to offer help and support.