What is sex?

Kerry Rach LGBTQ+ relationships, masturbation, pleasure, sexual intimacy

What do we mean when we talk about sex? What counts as ‘having sex’?

This article is about sexual intimacy. If you want to find out more about biological sex and how it is different to gender, head to our article here.

In the past, sex has typically been defined in just one, very limited way: penetrative penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex, with any other kind of intimacy described as ‘foreplay’. We also often only see sex represented between cisgender, heterosexual (cishet) couples.

Note: ‘cisgender’ (or cis) refers to people whose gender identity matches the one they were assigned at birth. For example, a cis man is someone who was born with a penis and testicles, was assigned male at birth, and identifies as a man too. Cis is the opposite of trans.

But there are actually lots of different ways to have sex! Sexual pleasure doesn’t need to include penetration. We get to decide what ‘sex’ means to us. Your personal definiton really matters, because you get to define your own boundaries.

It’s also worth saying that sex isn’t the only form of intimacy, and there are plenty of non-sexual forms of intimacy like hugging, holding hands, or just enjoying someone’s company. Some people don’t enjoy sex or don’t want to have sex for loads of different reasons and that’s okay too! You can find out more about this in our article on asexuality.

“As an ace person, I know I’d have been curious enough to read this when I was younger, but it would’ve left me feeling bad/more confused – that I didn’t enjoy sex, that I didn’t have the drive to have sex, and that sex is supposed to always feel good. It can be confusing that sex is regarded as the ‘ultimate’ form of intimacy.” – a quote from a member of our Youth Advisory Board

Why do we need a new definition?

We know that defining sex as purely PIV excludes a lot of people and their experiences. For example, many LGBTQ+ people feel they aren’t represented by this outdated definition. But limiting our understanding of sex to PIV actually causes problems for cishet couples too. For a lot of people with vaginas it is difficult to orgasm from penetration alone, and putting all our focus on PIV also puts pressure on cishet men to perform to certain expectations.

People may also not want to have PIV sex for a variety of reasons such as health conditions, disabilities or just personal preference. This is absolutely okay! It shouldn’t diminish these experiences, or mean that it isn’t ‘real’ or ‘proper’ sex. It’s important to have a much broader and more inclusive definition.

But what do we mean by an inclusive definition of sex?

“In really basic terms, sex is something that involves one or more sets of genitals (of any variety) being touched or made to feel good,” says Milly Evans in their book, Honest.

Any of these can be sex:

Oral sex: using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitals, otherwise known as ‘blowjobs’, ‘eating out’ or ‘going down on’
Anal sex: touching, massaging, licking or penetrating the anus with a penis or sex toy
Vaginal sex: penetrating the vagina with a penis or sex toy
Hand sex: using your hands to stimulate your partner’s genitals, and known as ‘fingering’ or ‘hand jobs’

“For some people intimate touching is considered sex and has nothing to do with genitals. What about disabled people who have lost feeling, asexual people who consider sex or intimacy as something different? For example, sex could be defined along the lines of ‘an intimate process or act between two or more people for the purpose of pleasure’. I don’t think the focus should be on genitals.” – a quote from a member of our Youth Advisory Board

Masturbation matters

Some people include masturbation in their definition of sex. This can be called ‘solo sex’, while sex with a partner is ‘partnered sex’. It helps to give masturbation the attention it deserves and highlights that it’s no less important to our sex lives than partnered sex.

Hannah Witton: What actually is sex?

Consent and pleasure

There are different reasons to have sex, but people commonly have it because of pleasure. Sex is meant to feel good! Sadly, there’s still a lot of stigma and shame around talking about sex feeling good. But it’s important because this directly links to consent. Why would we consent to any type of sex that doesn’t feel good? Maybe, more than that, sex that is painful or uncomfortable?

Sex should be pleasurable and consensual. That means checking in on the other person, making sure they want to have sex and it’s feeling good, and stopping if they’re unsure or want to stop. It also means feeling able to say to them if you’re unsure or want to stop. Remember, you can stop at any time.

We love chatting about sex and pleasure so much that we have a whole Fumble Talks episode dedicated to this:

Fumble Talks: Pleasure

Using an inclusive definition of sex makes sure everyone feels seen and their experiences are validated. Knowing about different types of sex also means it’s easier to work out and understand what you like, making sex better for everyone!