What is sex?

Kerry Rach anal sex, consent, LGBTQ+, masturbation, oral sex, piv, Pleasure, Sex, Vaginal Sex

What do we mean when we talk about sex? What counts as ‘having sex’?

In the past, sex has typically been defined in the one, very limited way: penetrative penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.

But there are actually lots of different ways to have sex! It means different things to different people, and we now know that only defining sex as PIV excludes a lot of people and their experiences.

For example, many LGBTQ+ people feel they aren’t represented by this outdated definition. Straight couples may also not want to have PIV sex for a variety of reasons, such as health conditions, disabilities or just personal preference. This is absolutely okay! It shouldn’t diminish these experiences, or mean that it isn’t ‘real’ or ‘proper’ sex. It’s important to have a much broader and more inclusive definition.

But what do we mean by an inclusive definition of sex?

“In really basic terms, sex is something that involves one or more sets of genitals (of any variety) being touched or made to feel good,” says Milly Evans in their book, Honest.

Any of these can be sex:

Oral sex: using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitals, otherwise known as ‘blowjobs’, ‘eating out’ or ‘going down on’
Anal sex: touching, massaging, licking or penetrating the anus
Vaginal sex: penetrating the vagina with a penis or sex toy
Hand sex: using your hands to stimulate your partner’s genitals, and known as ‘fingering’ or ‘wanking off’

Hannah Witton: What actually is sex?

Masturbation matters

Some people include masturbation in their definition of sex. This can be called ‘solo sex’, while sex with a partner is ‘partnered sex’. It helps to give masturbation the attention it deserves and highlights that it’s no less important to our sex lives than partnered sex.

Consent and pleasure

There are different reasons to have sex, but people commonly have it because of pleasure. Sex is meant to feel good! Sadly, there’s still a lot of stigma and shame around talking about sex feeling good. But it’s important because this directly links to consent. Why would we consent to any type of sex that doesn’t feel good? Maybe, more than that, sex that is painful or uncomfortable?

Sex should be pleasurable and consensual. That means checking in on the other person, making sure they want to have sex and it’s feeling good, and stopping if they’re unsure or want to stop. It also means feeling able to say to them if you’re unsure or want to stop. Remember, you can stop at any time.

We love chatting about sex and pleasure so much that we have a whole Fumble Talks episode dedicated to this:

Fumble Talks: Pleasure

Using an inclusive definition of sex makes sure everyone feels seen and their experiences are validated. Knowing about different types of sex also means it’s easier to work out and understand what you like, making sex better for everyone!