Sex and mental health: How could it be affecting me?

Jake Ellis body image, coming out, feelings and emotions, healthy relationships, LGBTQ+ relationships, mental health conditions, sexual intimacy

Sex and mental health can be hard to navigate – here’s what you need to know

Although you may not think it, mental health is very connected to sex. Your mental state can affect your body image, ability to connect with a partner, and even whether you want to have sex at all.

Body image

Struggling with your body image can make everyday tasks really hard, like eating, socialising with friends or deciding what to wear. So of course it can also affect how we feel getting intimate with someone. It can be difficult to relax with someone and enjoy being intimate when you’re feeling anxious, low or negatively about how you look. This can include more specific problems, such as anxiety about penis size, your weight, any scars or acne, or anything that makes you feel ‘less attractive’.

YoungMinds have some great tips for improving your body image, if you are struggling with this.

Connecting with a partner

Talking openly about your mental health with a partner can be hard, but it is essential in a healthy relationship. By talking to your partner, you can let them know how you are feeling and why you are struggling with intimacy. This goes for long-term and casual partners. Just because a relationship isn’t long-term or exclusive, it doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your wants and needs with a partner.

If you are not in the mood for sex at all, that’s okay and perfectly normal. What we want and how much we want it can change. Opening up the line of communication will let your partner know that this isn’t a reflection on them, it’s just how you are feeling at the moment.

There are plenty of ways to connect with your partner through intimacy without sex. Cuddling on the sofa, holding hands or even just finding out how your partner is doing are all examples of intimacy, whether that’s physical or emotional. You don’t owe anyone sex, and shouldn’t be made to feel like you do either.

Sexuality

Discovering your sexuality can be a stressful and isolating process, which can also affect your mental health. Understanding who you are takes time and you won’t always feel like this. If you are looking for specific LGBTQ+ support, contact Switchboard for advice.

You don’t have to come out before you are ready, but talking about it with someone you trust can really help. Your sexuality and feelings are valid, regardless of whether you’ve had LGBTQ+ experiences or not.

Libido

Libido is another word for someone’s sex drive or desire for sex. It can very easily be impacted by your mental health and/or medication, though not always. Anxiety, stress and depression can all cause a loss of libido or a low sex drive.

But it’s important to remember that our bodies are always changing. They change a lot throughout puberty, and our brain is still developing in our early 20s. Even beyond this, our bodies and mental health will change depending on what’s going on in our lives. So, what feels like a constant low sex drive won’t necessarily always be. This doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating to experience it in the moment though.

Our advice

Research the side effects of your contraception/medication – Have a conversation with your doctor about medication that will best suit your body.

Have a think about ways to make you feel better about yourself – Spending time with people who make you feel positive about your body can help a lot. Talking to someone you trust can also help. Lots of people struggle with their body image at some point in their life, you’re not alone with this.

Talk to your partner – If you are in a relationship (long-term or casual), there may be things that your partner can do to make you feel more comfortable. Even just talking about it may help, making you feel understood and knowing you’re both on the same page.

What dynamic are you having sex within, and is it working for you? – Whether this is casual sex, friends-with-benefits, sex within a long-term relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous, take time to think about whether this is working for you. Is it affecting your mental health? What worked before may not be working now. Our needs and desires change!

Properly check in with yourself about whether you want to have sex – if you aren’t in the mood, that’s okay. If you’re regularly not in the mood, that’s also okay. No-one should be pressuring you into sex. We know that it can feel really complicated to say no to someone, especially if you have feelings for them. We also know that sometimes the pressure can feel like it’s coming from ourselves; there can be this idea of ‘normal’, which suggests how often, who with and how we ‘should’ be having sex. There’s no such thing as a ‘normal way to have sex’! But this inner conflict can still be difficult to feel. If you’re struggling with feeling pressure around having sex, reach out for support. You don’t have to manage this alone.

If you are in more urgent need of mental health support from a trained professional, Shout has a 24/7 confidential messaging service. Just text ‘Shout’ to 85258.