Coming out (again) – 5 tips to help you navigate sexuality

Samuel Kier asexuality and aromanticism, bisexuality and pansexuality, coming out, gay men, lesbians, LGBTQ+ relationships, trans+ and non-binary

Having the world constantly assume you’re straight is hard – so here are some tips to help manage a life coming out

“Coming out shouldn’t be a big deal.” This is something non-straight people hear a lot, and much of the time, it’s straight people saying it.

In reality, for those of us who have to ‘come out’, whatever feelings we have about our sexuality, or whoever it is we are, it feels like a pretty massive deal. Sure, we live in a time where queer folk are more accepted than ever, and some of us are envisioning a world in which nobody need come out at all. Those of us who have been through it remember the build-up in emotions before you take the plunge – the nerves, the fear, the shame, that unshakable sense of doom. It shouldn’t be a big deal; but in all honesty, it feels like you’re about to jump off a cliff.

Once it’s all out in the open, and the dust begins to settle you might even look back and ask yourself what the big deal was.

Well, it might not be over yet! For a lot of people, coming out is more than just a one-time event. Chances are, you’ll find yourself doing it again, and again, and again – to new friends, in a new job, at university, to new housemates, at family get-togethers. And while the world is (slowly) improving its attitude to queer folk, that same world still likes to assume that we’re straight.

Here are 5 easy tips to help you come out (again).

1. The first thing to remember is: try not to freak out

When someone at work assumes that you’re straight and asks about your opposite-sex girlfriend or boyfriend, it’s okay to be thrown. We spend a lot of time as teenagers having people assuming they know who we want to have sex with. When it happens after you’ve come out, it can be uncomfortable – but use it to your advantage!

If you’re comfortable, one way to resolve this might be to jump in with a joke about your same-sex girlfriend or boyfriend. Laugh it off, and make them feel silly for assuming to know who you’re attracted to. And if you’re not ready to share yet, that’s fine – brush over it for now, nobody’ll notice.

2. It’s okay to be nervous

Don’t feel guilty because you’re not as comfortable talking about the kind of person you’re attracted to as Queer Eye’s Fab Five. That confidence comes with time.

Some people prefer to keep their sexuality to themselves. Just like some straight people don’t like revealing lots about their sex life, some queer people won’t either. Whatever your feelings about discussing your sexuality, that’s fine – your sexuality is yours.

3. Picking a good moment

Just because you’re already out in your personal life, doesn’t mean you need to immediately send an all-staff email to new colleagues telling them about your identity. Instead, choose a moment that’s good for you, not anyone else. The same rules apply here as the first time – you don’t have to tell people right away. It’s on your terms.

4. The hardest part is very likely already over

Chances are, many of the people in your life who truly matter already know that you’re queer. This new lot didn’t know you before, so why should they care? They probably won’t bat an eyelid.

5. Take a moment to feel proud of who you are

We all want new people to like us, but try not to let that desire to fit in take over the conviction and bravery that empowered you to come out in the first place.

Regardless of how well your family and friends took the news, we still live in a world that likes to tell us that our sexuality is a problem. What you did was incredibly brave. Hold on to that part of yourself, and be proud of yourself, because who you love is entirely normal.

So there we are! You’re ready to come out again (and again, and again). It can be frustrating and tiring, but it also gets easier. Promise.