“It gets easier, I promise”: An experience of socially transitioning
Socially transitioning can be difficult at times, but it’s also exciting to begin living your life as your authentic self
I’ve been trying to come up with a ‘good’ way to start this off for a while. I wanted to start positively. But the truth is it’s hard to be trans+ at the moment.
Hundreds of our siblings are killed every year. It’s exhausting knowing that it’s happening and there’s realistically so little that most of us can do to help.
I try to look on the brighter side of things. “At least my friends and I are still here”… but for how long? “At least it’s no one that I know”… but that barely dampens the pain and it certainly doesn’t discount the pain that the victims’ loved ones are feeling.
This blog piece is supposed to be about my transitioning journey. A way to get my story out there. I hope that it can help others who might be experiencing similar things, but I’m not sure if I have many words of hope right now. So I’m going to talk you through my experiences. If nothing else, I hope it makes someone out there feel a little less alone.
Coming out
My coming out was never a big affair. I didn’t have a party, or stand up at a family meal and make a speech. I just told my mum, then my grandparents, and tried to let it be.
Although that meant I had to reiterate it a few times, I think I still preferred that over trying to orchestrate something big. In spite of that, it still felt overwhelming when I began my journey.
Figuring out my identity, telling people who have known me for years, deciding if I wanted to medically transition or not, and seeking referrals to Gender Identity Clinics (GICs) has been a lot to handle.
I was lucky to have a few close friends and a family who, even though they didn’t really understand at first, tried their best to respect me. I had a strong circle of online friends I could talk to. Although many of us have lost contact over the years, at the time they were absolutely key to me figuring myself out.
During the early stages of being freshly out, I experienced a lot of paranoia around people potentially misgendering me behind my back. A lot of this was due to the years of bullying I experienced in school, as an undiagnosed (at the time) neurodivergent person who never really fit in.
I knew people had talked about me behind my back then, so I found it hard to believe that people wouldn’t do the same now. I experienced a sort of ‘reboot’ of this anxiety after changing my name in uni, and after switching from they/them to they/he around the same time.
To anyone else experiencing these sorts of feelings, I would say this: you’re valid, and your worries are valid. But I promise you that it’s unlikely anybody is misgendering you or deadnaming you deliberately behind your back.
Even if one person is, plenty more people that you’ve trusted with your identity are there, correcting other people’s missteps, even without you present to hear them. When you’re the only trans+ or non-binary person in your immediate circle, it can be particularly easy to worry that no one takes you seriously. I promise it’s never as bad as your brain is telling you.
To anyone who’s been through several different identities and labels, and still isn’t sure that where they are right now fits them: that’s okay, these things take time.
People are complex and confusing. I cycled back and forth through five or six different labels and identities, at least ten times over, four years before I was finally happy with a label that fit me.
Whether you find a label (or a few) that feels immediately right, if you never find a label that fits you perfectly, or if you reject labels altogether, it’s okay. Even if you’re comfortable with one label for a while and you find that it changes over time, that’s okay too!
It took me a really long time to accept for myself that gender is personal. It’s a personal journey that is unique to you and doesn’t have a deadline or expiration date. Being trans+ is hard enough without stressing yourself out over an imaginary timeline, in which you have to figure yourself out entirely or the world will explode (it won’t, I promise).
The bright side
Thankfully, there’s plenty of joy to be found when it comes to living your life authentically.
For many people, that first burst comes from coming out and having it be well-received. Another light in what could potentially be a relatively dark outlook is the existence of support groups for LGBTQ+, specifically trans+, people (links below).
And that’s all amazing, but what about the more everyday things? The little moments, tiny daily happenings which might sneak up on you?
Putting on an outfit and seeing yourself in the mirror. Getting a new hairstyle to reflect this next step in your life. Starting to grow your hair out how you’ve always wanted it. Hearing people use your new name and pronouns easily in conversation, or watching someone slip up and then correct themself.
It took me a while to experience some of these things, especially regarding people correcting themselves, or others around me correcting people on my behalf. But it happens, and it’s amazing.
A personal strategy I use to push people to correct themselves, when they deadname or misgender me by accident, is to jump in with things like “who’s that then?” or “who’s ‘she’, the cat’s mother?”. (Thank you to my grandma for teaching me that one as a child).
That gives me a fun little boost of joy because it’s always immediately followed by the person laughing with me and correcting themself. It also allows me to comfortably correct them. It doesn’t make them feel excessively guilty, or make me feel anxious drawing attention to it.
That approach isn’t for everyone, but it works for me. I think it makes the process of teaching people to respect and use your pronouns go a little more smoothly.
Trans joy
As I said at the start of this piece, it’s hard to be trans+ at the moment. But that doesn’t mean that the good things go away entirely, even if they’re just these little moments of trans+ joy.
Like seeing more trans+ characters in media, and meeting other trans+ people. Or seeing a trans+ child being understood and supported through their journey by the people around them. Seeing older trans+ people existing as themselves unashamedly. Seeing others protect trans+ kids from all the hate that some people can spew. Being able to protect others from it yourself sometimes too.
Trans+ people helping each other through these hard times is a constant source of joy for me. As always, hardship breeds community.
There’s a reality show I enjoy watching, mostly for the drama, and one of the people on it is a trans woman. She came out to the group at a dinner and I was watching with bated breath, knowing what British people can be like sometimes and knowing what reality TV is like… but nothing bad happened.
The others were mostly (if not all) allo-cishet. Yet they quietly accepted and supported her as though it was no big deal. I nearly cried.
In that moment, there was so much that could’ve potentially gone wrong. But it felt like a reminder that the general public doesn’t hate us. The problem is the really loud, aggressive, hateful minority. Not the majority of ordinary people who are also just trying to live.
I want to end this off with one gentle, loving reminder: it’s okay to just exist. It’s okay if all you do in a day is live. Every breath is a rebellion, and you are amazing exactly as you are and as you wish to be. I don’t know you, but I do love you.
Ajax, they/he
This article is part of our “Am I Trans?” Translating Sex, Identity & Relationships content series: supporting trans+ young people to access sex and relationships education that is relevant to their experiences and needs. Discover the full series here.
We use the term trans+ in our articles as an umbrella term intended to incorporate all transgender, non-binary, agender and genderfluid identities.
Some of the content addresses potentially triggering topics, such as transphobia and gender dysphoria. We’ve added specific content warnings to these pieces, but please take a moment to check in with yourself and how you’re feeling before diving into the series.
Other support
- Discover the full series
- Support & resources for trans+ young people
- Switchboard helpline – for anyone, anywhere in the country, at any point in their journey to discuss anything related to sexuality and gender identity
- Gendered Intelligence – Knowledge is Power resource for young trans+ people
Read more
Last Reviewed 22 April 2024
Image Credit: Jorge Saavedra via Unsplash
