How much sex is normal?

Robyn Bell healthy relationships, pleasure, sexual intimacy

When it comes to sex… how do we know what’s normal?

Normal – a word that can make us feel safe, boring, invisible and relieved all at the same time. But what has that word got to do with having sex? Actually, that’s easy. Nothing! There is no such thing as ‘normal sex’. Instead, there are lots of different types of sex, and having great sex is about understanding what feels pleasurable for you and communicating with your partner (whether they’re a long-term or casual sexual partner).

But how often should I be having sex?

Just as health and beauty ads and mags like to recommend how many eggs we should be eating a day, there are also numerous stats on how often we should be having sex. Ignore them. Your sex life is your business. How you have sex, and how often you have sex is entirely up to you and the person you’re having sex with.

Instead, have a think about:

What amount of sex feels good for you?
Are you satisfied with the sex you are having?

If the answer to question 2 is yes, does it matter if the answer to question 1 is three times a day, or twice a month, or once a year, or less?

There is no normal amount of sex. This is about you and your body and your pleasure, alongside your partner’s. It’s also something that will change depending on what else is going on in your life. Our mental health and mood inevitably affects our sex life. What feels good now might not feel so good the following year, and that is perfectly fine. If you aren’t satisfied with either the quantity or quality of sex with someone, have a chat with them. Perhaps they’re feeling the same, and there’s no way they’ll know unless you talk to them. Check out Brook’s advice on talking about sex, if you feel a bit stuck.

We were having sex all the time at first, but now…

It’s common for partners to be all over each other when they first get together. It’s actually science! When we first get together with someone we’re attracted to, we release lots of bonding hormones that work like magnets, attaching ourselves to each other. It’s also exciting and a huge turn on to learn about and explore with someone new. This bonding time calms down after a while. That’s not say that the relationship is waning! It just means you’re feeling more comfortable with each other and so not needing the bonding sexual time in the same way.

But I want more/less sex than my partner…

It’s not unusual for one person in a relationship to want sex more often than their partner. That’s not about one of you being more attracted to the other, people’s libidos just vary. This may be a temporary thing. Libido can be affected by numerous factors, like exam stress, depression, unemployment, and more. It could also be that your libidos are different. Either way, have a chat about it. Communication is key!

Remember: it is never okay to pressure someone into having sex more often, even if your libido is higher and you’re wanting more sex. You’re not entitled to sex from anyone, even if they’re your partner. No-one should be pressuring anyone into sex.

We know that it can feel really complicated to say no to someone, especially if you have feelings for them. We also know that sometimes the pressure can feel like it’s coming from ourselves; this idea of ‘normal’ pops up again, telling us we should be having sex more often. Again, there’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ way to have sex! But this inner conflict can still be difficult to feel. If you’re struggling with feeling pressure around having sex, reach out for support. You don’t have to manage these feelings alone.