How to communicate during sex

Corrie Clapsaddle consent, healthy relationships, sexual intimacy

Great fumbling is rooted in great communication. Here’s some handy tips for being open with your partner during sex.

Talking to your sexual partner about your likes and dislikes can feel really easy for some topics. You probably don’t think twice when you tell them your favourite book or TV show. But when it comes to sex, we know it can be difficult and awkward to talk about what you want or don’t want. No matter how awkward it feels, communication with your sexual partner is incredibly important. This applies to any sexual encounter, whether it’s a one-time thing or someone you’ve been sexually intimate with before. Talking things out before, during, or after sex can greatly improve the time you have! But we know it’s easier said than done. So here are some simple suggestions for opening up the lines of communication in the bedroom, without making it feel like an interview.

How do I tell my partner what I want in bed?

Don’t: Criticise your partner’s sexual ability. Communication in the bedroom is not about making people feel inadequate, it’s about helping each other learn about your bodies through patience and understanding.

Do: Use positive statements when offering advice to your partner. Instead of telling them: “I hate how quiet you are”, try saying: “I like hearing the sounds you make, it helps me know you’re enjoying yourself.”

Can I show my partner what I want in bed?

Absolutely!

DON’T: Drop vague hints about what you want, in the hope that your partner can read your mind. It’s an unfair expectation of them and it’ll be frustrating for you when it doesn’t work.

DO: Get hands on! Guide their hands on your body to show them how/where you’d like to be touched. You can also offer to do the same for them, to better learn what they enjoy. This is both sexy and straightforward, so none of you are left in the dark.

Can I say no to my partner’s sexual fantasy?

Absolutely!

There should always be space to say no to anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, and that goes for any type of sexual intimacy. Just because you have one type of sex, doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily want to try everything. It can feel really hard to say no, but a good partner will want to know if you don’t want to do something. If it feels too hard to say a direct “no”, try saying “I’m not sure about that, but can we try [something else] instead?” instead.

DON’T: Judge your partner’s interests or desires when they share them with you. You wouldn’t want someone making fun of you for what turns you on. So extend the same courtesy to others.

DO: Be open to trying new things. One of the fun parts of sex is the opportunity to experiment with different positions and sensations. However, there’s a difference between being open-minded and doing things you don’t want to do. If your partner asks for something you are not comfortable with, you don’t have to do it.

Should I tell my partner if sex hurts?

Yes! Always speak out if you’re in pain.

DON’T: Stay silent if you’re in pain or you’re uncomfortable. Sometimes it can feel easier to stay silent and ‘just get it over with’, especially if it feels difficult to say no or stop. But sex should be about pleasure and fun, and a good partner will want to know if you’re in pain or uncomfortable. They won’t want you to ‘grin and bear it’, just as you wouldn’t want or expect them to.

DO: Tell your partner if you’re hurting, even if it’s in the middle of sex. Sex is something pleasurable to be shared, not just for one person’s benefit. A simple “ow, that doesn’t feel good, or “a little softer, please” can let a partner know that they may need to change the angle or intensity. And if you want to stop altogether, you have every right to say so and a decent partner will want to know.