How to have a good argument

Natasha Tate dating and partners, feelings and emotions, healthy relationships

Everyone argues at some point, and that’s okay. Arguments aren’t inherently bad. But how do we make them productive? Here are 5 tips to help you out.

Like many people in relationships (romantic or otherwise) my partner and I argue. In fact, we argue quite a lot. We hit a milestone the other week in which we hadn’t had a memorable disagreement in nearly a month. So, naturally, without even realising, we ended the month with a massive row. It was an argument about a gift bag—which of course means it wasn’t about a gift bag at all. No one argues about a gift bag. No one shouts “you don’t appreciate me” at full volume in a Ford Fiesta en-route to a friend’s 23rd birthday party because of a gift bag.

Even as seasoned arguers, my partner and I are aware we could be more constructive, rather than threatening to throw a gift bag full of presents out of a moving car on the M6. So, for the sake of staying with him for several more years, and to avoid any littering fines, we’re going to try to argue a little better. Even when he says stupid things like “you’re only starting this argument because you haven’t written that article yet“.

Below are some suggestions for our future happiness – and for anyone else who wants to argue in a more productive way.

1. Don’t yell at each other

It can be hard to avoid shouting when you’re feeling angry. Emotion can rise up your throat and come out as a loud string of expletives. I’m particularly bad for this. He’ll say “stop shouting at me“, and I’ll reply “well stop giving me things to shout at you about“, and that’ll add a good half an hour to our ‘discussion’.

It’s easy to forget that our partners can’t read our minds and we subsequently get frustrated, especially if a problem isn’t getting resolved. But try to remember that shouting will only make things worse. Take a deep breath, take time out if you need it, and come back to the argument with a clear head and a plan for calmly expressing your issues.

2. Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements

‘You’ statements can feel good to say, but can cause a lot of unintended hurt. Statements like “YOU don’t appreciate me” or “YOU’RE just using me for my NHS discount“ (one of our stranger exchanges—he’s a pharmacist and had run out of points). ‘You’ statements put the receiver on the defensive, which makes resolution a lot harder. Swapping ‘you’ for ‘I’ is a more constructive way to talk. Instead, try “I don’t feel appreciated“.

They allow your partner to understand your feelings better, and let you express any issues or irritations without placing blame. Why are you upset? What do you want to happen? With this kind of focus, you can start to understand why the argument started and what needs to change. Like you not taking his NHS card without permission.

3. Don’t store things up

Another way to put this is to stay on topic and get to the route of the problem. Dredging up the past is rarely good. Bringing out lists of ‘things you have done’ will only escalate the original argument, which is how a very average disagreement can turn into a slagging match. A lot of the time, the thing you argue about isn’t important (gift bags for example) but the way you react is.

4. Time things as well as you can

Some arguments need to happen there and then—that is understandable. Other arguments don’t. Some will even start due to bad timing. A situation where both of you are stressed out is a perfect environment for an argument to start. Even if something is niggling at you, weigh it up in your head. Is it worth having this argument now? In a few hours, will it matter? Is this something you can resolve in a healthy manner right here? We left the gift bag argument in the car. Unfortunately it was ready and waiting for us when we got back in…

5. Listen to your body

During an argument, if you need to take a time out or a pause, that is perfectly fine. Recognise the physical reactions you’re having, as these could be indicators that you need to move away from the argument, especially if you want a resolution in the end. Breathlessness, starting to tear up, a knot in your stomach and starting to raise your voice are all signs that a little breathing space might be needed. Even if it’s just for a couple of minutes.

6. Compromise

Sometimes a compromise is the only way to a win-win solution. Annoying as it may seem at the time, your idea of a resolution may not be your partner’s. This doesn’t mean you’re letting someone walk all over you. Compromise is a joint effort, and both of you need to recognise it. Ask your partner what they’d like to happen and explain what you are hoping for. Explore this together until you reach a compromise that works for both of you.

So, in conclusion…

The majority of relationship counsellors don’t worry about couples who occasionally argue. It means things don’t get bottled up, problems can be ironed out and resolved, and you are able to communicate openly with your partner. So, if you’re part of a couple that does bicker, don’t worry—you’re probably doing okay!

Obviously there are things to look out for that are more serious, like abuse. If the same argument happens over and over, or you feel uneasy in a relationship, then a more serious talk may need to take place. Getting advice from a professional mediator may also be an option. But for my boyfriend and I, arguing seems to be a natural part of being together. I’ll say things like “hey, remember that time we almost broke up over a gift bag?’”, and he’ll say “please stop” because only one of us has a sense of humour.

Most importantly though, avoid gift bags.