How to have sex without the sex

Robyn Bell masturbation, pleasure, sexual intimacy

**Sex without the sex? How does that work?**

We typically assume that sex means intercourse or penetration. Books, films and TV usually focus on the traditional penis-in-vagina ‘in-and-out’. We’re surrounded by a sexual culture saying this is the ‘normal’ way to have sex. But what if this doesn’t satisfy everyone? Why are we limiting ourselves to this one type of sexual intimacy? There are actually lots of different ways to have sexual pleasure, so let’s get into it.

Touching

First things first: touching each other. Using your hands to explore a partner’s body is a great run-up or alternative to penetrative sex. This can be with clothes or without clothes. Perhaps starting with clothes and ending without them. Touching each other can be incredibly intimate. Whether you’re in bed, in the bath or on the sofa, make sure that you’re comfortable and take turns exploring each other’s bodies. Use all your senses, and take your time on each part of your partner’s body.

Outercourse

This refers to lots of different types of non-penetrative sexual intimacy, so it all takes place on the outside of your body. Perhaps you want to stimulate each other, but don’t want to penetrate or be penetrated. So, outercourse! There are many different ways to have outercourse and perhaps there’ll be one (or more) positions that you and your partner(s) like. Just remember to take it slow with new positions and check in with your partner(s) throughout.

Mutual masturbation

Isn’t masturbation something done in the privacy of your own bedroom of an empty house? Not necessarily! It can be extremely intimate to see your partner(s) show you how they touch their body. Not only are they showing you exactly how they like to be touched (to be noted for later/another time), but they’re also trusting you with a very personal part of themselves. Vice versa, it’s an opportunity to open up and show your partner(s) how you like to be touched.

Oral

Rather than using your hands, you can use your lips and tongue to pleasure each other. Oral is about using your mouth. It can be penetrative, but it doesn’t have to be. Similarly to exploring each other with your hands, make sure you’re comfortable and get to know each other’s bodies in a different way.

Anal

This is any sexual activity that involves the anus. Again, it can be penetrative, but it also doesn’t have to be. It can involve rimming (licking the anus), fingering, massaging and sex toys. There’s sometimes an assumption that anal sexual pleasure is for gay men but anyone can enjoy it, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender.

Consent consent consent

Consent is really important when we’re thinking about any type of sexual intimacy. You should never pressure anyone into any type of sexual action, whether that’s kissing, penetrative sex, or anything else. It’s also worth checking in with yourself about whether you want to have sex or be sexually intimate with someone. Whether you’re ready for sex is up to you, everyone goes at different paces. We know that it can feel really complicated to say no to someone, especially if you have feelings for them. We also know that sometimes the pressure can feel like it’s coming from ourselves; there can be this idea of ‘normal’, which suggests how often, who with and how we ‘should’ be having sex. There’s no such thing as a ‘normal way to have sex’! But this inner conflict can still be difficult to feel. If you’re struggling with feeling pressure, reach out for support. You don’t have to manage this alone.

It may feel a little awkward or strange to try different things at first. That’s okay! There’s no harm in having a giggle while you try things out together. Just make sure you keep those communication channels open and check in that everyone’s happy with what you’re trying.