How do you know if you are sexually attracted to someone?

Kerry Rach dating and partners, pleasure, sexual intimacy

Experiencing a first crush? Our guide is here to support you through the ups and downs of sexual attraction

Feelings of attraction are a completely natural part of growing up. Attraction is an evolutionary response that has helped humans to survive for millions of years! There are different types of attraction: sexual attraction, but also romantic and emotional attraction.

You might be hearing your friends talking about who they fancy, and this can be exciting to join in with. But it can also feel confusing and stressful if you’re not sure whether you’re getting the same feelings. Knowing if you’re attracted to someone is very personal, and it’ll feel different for everyone. Here are some signs that you might be feeling attraction to someone else:

You feel butterflies in your stomach when you’re around the person
You feel excited to see them or talk to them
You find yourself smiling and laughing a lot around them – maybe it’s a giddy feeling
You find yourself daydreaming about them
You’re interested in them – what they like and dislike, and ways you’re similar to each other
As you develop through puberty, you might experience feelings of sexual arousal as part of this attraction too
Your heart race increases when you see them
You’re very aware of any physical touch, if you brush hands for example

This list doesn’t cover all the possible feelings of attraction by any stretch of the imagination! You might feel all, some or none of these feelings, and you can always come up with your own list as you start to get familiar with how you show and feel attraction.

What if they don’t fancy me back?

It’s important to remember: if you’re attracted to someone, they might not feel the same way about you. This can be really hard to experience. Everyone will be rejected by someone they fancy, at some point. It’s very likely that you’ve already been rejected by someone you fancy/fancied. And it is hard to feel that rejection. But it’s also a feeling that’s very common, and one we need to be able to manage.

Knowing that everyone goes through this rejection at some point in their lives, can make it feel easier. It can also help to remember that it’s very unlikely you’ll be attracted to everyone you meet, so it would be unrealistic to expect everyone to be attracted to you too. Being ‘good’ at consent means that we will get a ‘no’ sometimes. Reframing this, if someone says no to you, it means that they trust you with their boundaries and they believe that you’ll respect their boundaries. Which is a huge compliment!

What if I never feel sexually attracted to someone?

It’s possible you might not feel sexually attracted to anyone right now and this is completely normal. It might be something that takes a little longer to develop (everyone develops through puberty at different paces), so try not to compare yourself too much to your friends. It’s also likely that feelings of attraction will increase and decrease throughout your lifetime, and this is normal too – lots of things can affect how we feel about ourselves and others.

You might never have feelings of sexual attraction and – guess what – that’s okay too! This is called asexuality and there are many different ways to be asexual. Some people may not have feelings of sexual attraction but might be romantically attracted to other people (asexual), whereas other people may have feelings of sexual attraction but have little or no interest in romantic relationships (aromantic).

Did you know there’s also a term for people who do experience sexual attraction? Allosexual! We just don’t hear it very much because lots of people assume it’s the ‘norm’. But it’s important we start using ‘allosexual’ (or ‘allo’ for short) and build our awareness of attraction in all its different types.