Virginity myths: Why you can’t actually ‘pop your cherry’

It might be better if we ditch the whole idea of virginity altogether…

Everyone has an opinion on virginity. Whether it’s your well-meaning friend swearing that she lost it horse riding, your older cousin claiming she’s growing hers back, or your sex ed teacher telling you to keep it until you’re out of her damn class, the v-word is everywhere. What you might not know is that virginity is just an idea with no medical basis.

But what about the hymen?

The hymen, or the vaginal corona, is the subject of a hell of a lot of misunderstanding. One of the biggest myths is that, to ‘lose your virginity’, you ‘break’ your hymen. This is false. The hymen is a thin membrane that covers part of the vaginal opening. It can be uncomfortable or painful when the hymen stretches. But everyone’s hymen is different. Not everyone with a vagina is born with one.

So why is the first time painful?

Sex shouldn’t be painful. There’s a widespread myth that someone’s first time having sex should be painful, especially if you have a vulva and vagina. That’s false. There are lots of reasons why sex can be painful, and lots of ways to prevent the pain.

Remember that pain during or after sex is your body trying to tell you that something is wrong, so don’t ignore it. There’s lots of places to go for support. If talking about it feels embarrassing or uncomfortable, try to remember that professionals providing support are very used to dealing with problems like this. It’s normal for them! They will be able to offer help and support.

I thought people bled when they first had sex?

Contrary to popular belief, the vast majority of women and people with a vagina do not bleed when they first have sex.

Bleeding can happen during sex, but it’s not related to ‘virginity’. It could be that someone with a vagina isn’t sexually aroused, so there’s no self-lubricant. This can cause minor ruptures in the vagina, which then causes bleeding. But it could also be that they are sexually aroused, yet still not producing self-lubricant. Arousal is not all about self-lubricant or ‘being wet’. Lube can help with this. And this has nothing to do with how many times a person has had sex.

Slight bleeding can happen when the hymen tears quickly. But this doesn’t just happen during sex. For example, the hymen can stretch from masturbation, using tampons or playing sports.

What counts as ‘losing’ my virginity if I’m gay or bisexual?

Non-heterosexual sex is yet another phenomenon that destabilises the idea of virginity. ‘Losing your virginity’ relies on everyone having penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex. That’s just one out of many ways to have sex! The concept of virginity is a heteronormative one. This means that it relies on everyone being straight/heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is the ‘norm’. Sex is not, and shouldn’t be limited to, a penis entering a vagina. So, the way people ‘lose’ their virginity should not be limited to PIV sex either.

So, should we just get rid of the term virginity?

The concept of virginity, as we’ve just discussed, is a mess! The term ‘losing your virginity’ is also misleading. Why does someone have to lose something when they first have sex. Actually, they more likely to be gaining something, whether that’s intimacy, connection, orgasms, or more of an understanding of their sexuality.

Because of this, sex educators often use the term ‘sexual debut’. Much more positive, and about gaining an experience rather than losing a part of themselves. It can also apply to LGBTQ+ sex, as it has no set definition of what a person’s first time entails.